If we find ourselves trying to help-lift-heal-carry-teach-change-adjust someone else, we have to stop. It means WE need our OWN attention. Love is a mirror. We need to do all that for ourselves. We are in desperate of need of healing.
Now I love a good metaphor. But for the sake of clarity; I’d like to expand on what I mean by heal lift carry teach change. Here are the things self-honoring women will no longer be doing for boyfriends in 2018:
- Lending money to men who are not your husband. If he needs to borrow a grand until his next paycheck, he needs to call his mama.
- Writing his essays, business emails or resume for him. Editing and making suggestions are fine. Doing the work for him is not.
- Cleaning his room, doing his laundry, being a 1950s housewife at his apartment with no ring on
- Opening a bank account in your name that he can use, co-signing a loan, pitting anything in your name that he will have responsibility of. He needs to call his mama or his best friend of twenty years for these kinds of things. A real king protects his queen. He doesn’t increase her liabilities.
- Directing boyfriends to books or resources when he has already shown you he will not read them or participate.
- You cannot be a coach or teacher to your partner. Not in a direct sense. You cannot drag him towards his own greatness.
- Believing what he says over what he does. Potential is a word I’m removing from grown women’s dating vocabulary. Potential is a word for fifth graders who might grow up to be on the honor roll in high school. There is no one day when you’re dating an adult. One day is now. Whatever he’s doing right now IS WHO HE IS. He might do it better, he might actually start using a day planner, he might change his career, he might make more money, but his character, the people he’s chosen to surround himself with and THE WAY he lives his life? That’s who he really is. Believe him.
- Making doctor appointments he doesn’t want to attend
- Continuing to engage with someone when you no longer RESPECT him
- Staying with someone who cheats on you or ever puts their hands on you violently. Nuff said. Deal breakers. Block his number. Lots of women experience shame when these things happen. You didn’t do anything wrong. His unchecked rage or inability to keep his word is a reflection of him not of your worthiness. Love yourself. Get out. That’s his shame to carry.
- Allowing someone to lie to you. You know when someone is lying. It doesn’t make sense, the timeline doesn’t add up, your body doesn’t feel right. Trust your body. It is the temple of the Spirit. So if your belly and chest tighten up and your hands start sweating when he’s talking about where he was —SOMETHING AINT RIGHT. If you find yourself feeling paralyzed and unsure of what to say, I like these lines: "In order to be in a relationship, I have to see someone behind your eyes I can trust. Until you can tell me the truth about _____, we won’t be engaging any further."
These are all examples of boundaries.
And sadly — This is how many women with father wounds engage in dating relationship. They give of themselves and then when they’re tired and over drafted they give more—-so they can feel worthy enough. So they forgive what they don’t even have the emotional bandwidth to forgive so they can feel some leverage and not feel the searing pain of abandonment again. They think he’ll never leave me now. Now that I’ve forgiven him and helped him and saved him from himself? He has to love me now. When the relationship goes up in flames they say I gave you everything!! And mean it. But theyve just ended up right where they started bankrupt alone and wounded. Because that is the space where you need healing. Romantic love appears in our lives as a reflection of our self-love. So if you find yourself in a pattern of romantizing losers, it’s time to heal up. You’re better than this, Sis. There are great men in the world and they cannot find you while you’re broken-hearted over some boy you tried to strap to your back and drag to his destiny. He never deserved you in the first place.
So what can I do for my partner? What does healthy relationship exchange look like? It’s reciprocal. It’s give-give. You assist your partner and he assists you. For every contribution of effort, energy, love, support you provide you are met and matched. Maybe not that same day in the same way, but you are never doing all the work. Are you familiar with basketball? An assist is passing the ball to someone who has already done all the work to get to the hoop, they’ve ran, they’ve jumped, they’ve gotten their body into perfect position all on their own. All you do to earn the assist is essentially see their greatness and alignment and then perform an almost effortless flick of the wrist. We been out there hoisting grown men on our shoulders who are not even qualified to play the game trying to stagger towards the hoop. And then complaining about back pain. God did not design you to leave your dreams unattended, strap a grown man to your back and then draaag him to his destiny. You cannot stop your own dream, your own life or give up who you are to HELP someone else. You are not helping anyone. You are not a savior. If you are doing that in your relationships it’s because you need help. THIS IS YOUR WAKE UP CALL. Chainbreaker time: If you are in a pattern of helping and saving men until you feel bankrupt, it’s because deep down you want someone to hoist you up and show you the light. You’re just hoping one of these men will return the favor one day. But RESCUE CANNOT come from romantic love. God is trying to get your attention: It’s time for YOU to help yourself.
If this sounds like you, please get yourself on my calendar for a free call CLICK HERE so I can walk you through how to start healing unworthiness.